Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
