When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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