so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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