i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
