This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
there is another microwave in the elevator.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
