we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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