Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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