Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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