Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
