Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
