genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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