so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
