Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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