What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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