Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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