there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
