You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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