i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
