Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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