Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
