Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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