just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
