Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
