It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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