dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
