genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
