She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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