Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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