what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
