Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Randomize
