Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Dicks are not precious.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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