Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You're like the curious george of whores
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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