why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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