Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
