so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize