i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
