the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
