That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
