when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize