he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
