Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
