I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
