im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
