Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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