So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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