I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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