It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
