I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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