Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
