I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I wear drunk well.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
