I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
