I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
