We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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