the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
