i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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