I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
