so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize