Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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