I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize